


Those Three Little Words (that my heart just can’t say)

by xrosepetalsx



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 15:02:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xrosepetalsx/pseuds/xrosepetalsx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyuhyun always knew he was bad at relationship’s, always knew he never planned to fall in love until he was long past high school age – but even though he’d accepted the fact that he liked to check out men, he never thought he’d be content to spend the rest of his life with one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those Three Little Words (that my heart just can’t say)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at LJ. Archived here.
> 
> LJ Version [here](http://insanityplays.livejournal.com/5267.html)

Cho Kyuhyun had never been good at relationships, the little he’d had, and was plenty aware of that fact. It was always fun and games in the beginning – something to look forward to with someone you liked who liked you back – but the trouble always came when things started to get serious.

The kisses and flirting, the dating…they were all things he could handle. What he couldn’t handle was when the girl wanted to take things farther.

Words like “I love you” scared the hell out of Kyuhyun, and always meant it was time to end the relationship. He refused to dole out false hope where there was none, and maybe that was what made him so bad at relationships.

He refused to lie to the girls he dated (and maybe his snarky disposition had something to do with it as well).

But in truth, he wasn’t heartless; he just never aimed to fall in love. He never planned to marry the girls he dated in high school – he didn’t plan to marry until he was out of college, if he was honest about it – and his expectations were nothing but real.

Despite what the girls who claimed they loved him said, he doubted their relationship after that would last more than a year either way.

So Cho Kyuhyun refused to live an idolized life where everything was all rainbows and butterflies, refused to be one of those men who married his high school sweetheart, and refused to give up everything for three little words that meant the world to him, and which he refused to tell anyone but the person he intended to marry (words it would probably take that girl _years_ to even get him to say).

Maybe it was those realistic thoughts that made him accept it so easily when he found himself lusting after men instead of women.

The first time it happened, he’d shrugged and thought _I can always have my fun now, and marry some woman I actually care about later on._

\--

Kim Jongwoon was the first.

He was one of the top singers in his class, on par with Kyuhyun himself, and another singer from another class, Kim Ryeowook, that Kyuhyun didn’t know.

By his peers, Jongwoon was called Yesung, a name he’d gotten the first time he’d sang in his Freshmen year, and so easily, he’d caught and captured Kyuhyun’s attention.

Kyuhyun hadn’t ever meant for it to turn into anything more than admiration for his hyung, but it came so easily, so naturally, and he was long past accepting _looking_ at other men.

_Kissing_ other men seemed so normal after that.

The first time it happened, they were in the music room, preparing for a duet they’d been shoved together to perform (a duet that should have been more. Kim Ryeowook, that unknown face, was supposed to have sang it with them, but he’d been unable).

Yesung had been at the piano, his fingers playing the beginning bars of the song they were supposed to perform, and suddenly, Kyuhyun was grabbing his chin with index finger and thumb, and drawing his face close enough that their breath’s mingled.

When he’d seen nothing but surprise and smoldering brown eyes, he’d leaned in and kissed him. Hard.

Yesung had done nothing but kiss back just as hard and thread fingers through Kyuhyun’s inky black hair. Somehow, it’d felt so right.

The first time Kyuhyun had sex, it was with Yesung, rather than a girl, but Kyuhyun found he didn’t mind so much. Bent over the piano bench in a room with mostly soundproof walls, he’d found himself being taken fast and hard, body racked with ripples of pleasure he didn’t think he’d find quite the same way with any girl.

Yesung told him he didn’t love him. Kyuhyun told him he didn’t either.

When Yesung got a girlfriend, it went unsaid that what they had would stop. Yesung didn’t cheat – he’d never cheated on Kyuhyun, and what they had had been nothing but casual fucking – and it was something Kyuhyun respected.

After school sessions in the music room came to an end, and eventually, Kyuhyun and Yesung came to the point where they’d smile in passing, but that was all.

\--

Lee Donghae was the second.

It started as an accident – Donghae’d been rushing to return sheet music passed through Yesung to Lee Hyukjae to Donghae, to Kim Ryeowook (that once more unidentifiable male), and he’d come crashing into Kyuhyun as Kyuhyun exited a practice room on his way.

It seemed Donghae took to stalking him after that, because every which way he turned, there was Donghae with his bright smile, long disheveled brown hair, and obnoxiously blatant headphones wrapped around his neck.

But Kyuhyun didn’t mind so much, because he found he enjoyed Donghae’s company. The other male was interesting to have around, believed in aliens, and was one of the most fluid dancers he knew (much better then himself at the very least)

( _“My best friend Lee Hyukjae’s a thousand times better than I am though. If you really want to see a pro, you should see him dance!”_ Donghae’d replied the first time Kyuhyun’d gawked after seeing him dance.)

It didn’t take long for Kyuhyun to find himself staring at startlingly pink lips, wishing he could kiss them like he’d kissed Yesung’s.

Oblivious Donghae laughed outright after about the hundredth time and pulled Kyuhyun in to kiss him. Kyuhyun’d expected sugar, he’d gotten spice.

Life after that was little more of a whirlwind then he’d ever expected it to be. Sweet, innocent Donghae was anything but, and Kyuhyun found he liked it.

Dance clubs with pulsating music, battles with everything to lose, and an intense bedroom scene Kyuhyun hadn’t expected were what made up his life with Donghae.

Kyuhyun’s first threesome was with the last person he’d ever expected. If anything, he’d thought it would be with Yesung, or with a man who was polar opposite of what Donghae appeared to be, but it wasn’t.

It was with Donghae and Hyukjae, and it was the last time.

Because any blind man could see that Donghae’s inability to not make someone happy hurt Hyukjae in more ways than one, and what Donghae was to Hyukjae was what Donghae could never be to Kyuhyun.

Or any man for that matter.

\--

Lee Sungmin was the third.

The man played a pink guitar and sang with Kim Ryeowook (someone at this point Kyuhyun had only caught a few glimpses of), had blonde hair, and knew Martial Art’s better then anyone at their school.

Kyuhyun hadn’t ever meant to get involved with him, but he had.

After two relationships with two men who didn’t do anything less then fucking in a bed and who did everything more then lovemaking, the thought of someone as flexible as a martial artist turned Kyuhyun on.

He knew, at that point, that there was no way he was ready for a real relationship. He didn’t know what love was, didn’t know how to treat a woman, and sure as hell wasn’t ready to give up what only another man could bring to bed.

On the outside, Sungmin was as cute as any girl, but on the inside, he was anything but.

He became Kyuhyun’s best friend long before they started having sex. He played pranks on Kyuhyun that Kyuhyun pulled back, forced him into things he’d never do other wise, and listened to everything Kyuhyun had to say.

It was on a normal day in Kyuhyun’s room, while Kyuhyun was playing StarCaft with Kim Kibum, that Sungmin first kissed him. He’d been complaining of boredom only moments before, and as swift and quiet as Kyuhyun had learned Sungmin to be, he’d moved to stand behind Kyuhyun’s computer chair and grabbed Kyuhyun’s chin to tilt it towards him and kiss him.

Startled, Kyuhyun had been unable to do anything but respond, until Sungmin was running fingers down the inside of Kyuhyun’s shirt.

( _“I could never love you, Sungmin…this could be nothing more then a casual fuck…”_ Kyuhyun’d said when he’d pulled away with a gasp and a wet plop.

_“I’m not asking for it to be…I’m only asking for us to do what feel’s good…”_ Sungmin’d replied, before pulling away and backing towards Kyuhyun’s bed in clear invitation. Kyuhyun couldn’t resist.)

\--

The first time Kyuhyun met Kim Ryeowook for real, it was during a rehearsal in their senior year for a final production.

He’d remembered seeing the male before during the last two years, but he’d yet to speak to him, yet to get to know him.

All he knew was a pretty face with a pretty voice to match it.

And a masculinity that rivaled his best friends if the comments and actions he made told to him through Sungmin were any indication.

Kyuhyun was to come on stage to perform after Ryeowook, so they’d been introduced, and that one handshake and small smile made his heart ache in a way that Kyuhyun had never felt it ache before.

It was a strange sensation, and one Kyuhyun wasn’t so sure he could accept as easily as his attraction to men and the sex that’d come with it within the last two years with a technical four men.

But he shrugged it off as he was known to shrug things off, and walked away with the thought shoved to the back of his mind, and ways to get back at Sungmin for his latest prank formulating in his mind.

They struck up an easy friendship after that, with Sungmin in the middle, pulling them together, even after they moved on to college together.

They were positively the bane of Sungmin’s existence, a thorn in his side, and neither could really blame him. Throwing them together had probably been the worst idea Sungmin had ever had, and he didn’t hesitate in voicing that thought.

( _“Why did I introduce you two again? It was so much easier when it was just Kyuhyun I was getting back at! Now I have to get back at both of you!_ )

They were the snarky duo Sungmin could never get rid of, but secretly, Kyuhyun didn’t think he really minded.

It didn’t take that long for Kyuhyun to find himself staring at Ryeowook lip’s, or his eyes, or his neck, wishing he could pull on his collar and draw him close so he could kiss him. Hard. Just like with Yesung. But he never did.

Instead, he took out his frustrations on Sungmin, just like he always had.

Casual fuck buddies, that’s what they’d become, and it wasn’t anything new to either of them.

But it was after one particularly bad fight between Kyuhyun and Ryeowook when everything came crashing down around him.

( _“Why don’t you just kiss him already?”_ Kyuhyun snarled one afternoon when Sungmin left the music room they’d been practicing in.

_“What are you talking about Kyuhyun?”_ Ryeowook asked with a furrowed brow, but a blush on his cheeks.

_“I see the way you look at him, so why the fuck don’t you just kiss him already!?”_ Kyuhyun growled, unsure what’d come over him, but unable to stop himself from yelling, unable to keep away his anger.

_“What the fuck Kyuhyun? What the hell is the matter with you? And what’s it to you who I do and do not want to kiss?”_ Ryeowook asked angrily, crossing his arms over his chest, blush beginning to recede.

_“So you do want to kiss him!”_ Kyuhyun crowed, standing up. _“You’re such a fucking slut, Ryeowook!”_ He snarled, and immediately regretted the action, his words. Ryeowook only glared at him before standing up as well, nearly upending the piano seat he’d been on as he stomped out of the room.

_“Fuck you, Cho Kyuhyun!”_ He said before he slammed the door closed behind him.)

\--

“Sungmin, where are you?” Kyuhyun asked when Sungmin answered his phone.

“At the vending machine around the corner, why?”

“Wook and I just got into a fight…over you…” Kyuhyun replied on a sigh, running a shaky hand through his hair, unable to understand the emotions flooding his system.

“What? Why!? What happened, Kyuhyun?”

“I’ll explain when you get here…” Kyuhyun said before sighing again and hanging up the phone. It only took Sungmin a few minutes to get back to the room they’d been practicing in, a soda in hand that he tossed at Kyuhyun the moment he walked in.

“So what happened? And why were you fighting over me?” Sungmin asked as he sat down, taking the drink from Kyuhyun after he took a swig. Kyuhyun shook his head and sighed, leaning back against the piano keys to a resounding crescendo of notes that echoed for a few minutes after they’d been pressed.

“I just…I don’t know Min, he send’s you that look and I just…I get so mad…” When his answer was met by a loud laughing sound, Kyuhyun sat up straight and glared at the man that was supposed to be his best friend.

“Send’s _me_ that look!? You must be _blind_ Kyu! He’s not looking at _me_ , he’s looking at _you!_ ” Sungmin finally said, still laughing and waving his hand at Kyuhyun’s face, trying to wipe the glare off his face.

Kyuhyun’s face slipped into one of bewilderment, and then it grew stunned, his heart beat beginning to race a little bit.

“Really, Kyuhyun? Were you _jealous?”_ Sungmin asked when his laughter finally died down, Kyuhyun still looking at him with a slightly stunned and confused look on his face. Kyuhyun shook his head, snapping out of it to give Sungmin a suddenly horrified look.

“I – what? No! Min, you know I don’t…you know I could never…I don’t _love_ you Min, I – ” Before Kyuhyun could say anything more, Sungmin put his hand over his mouth and shook his head, beginning to laugh again.

“Not of _Ryeowook_ , of _me!”_ Sungmin said on a laugh, clutching at his stomach. “Kyuhyun, you’re in love!”

_“What!?_ I – MIN! _I AM NOT!”_ His denial was only met by another loud laugh that echoed in the small room, and Kyuhyun crossed his arms with a huff and a glare.

\--

Even after Kyuhyun and Sungmin left the practice room later that night, Kyuhyun refused to admit that he was in love. He refused to admit he felt _any_ attraction to Ryeowook, even though he knew his words were nothing but a lie.

Sungmin continued to laugh at him as they walked home, but he sobered up when they reached their dorm room’s, sending the still huffy and glaring Kyuhyun a look of sympathy.

“Just…apologize to him when you see him tomorrow, okay? It’ll be fine,” he promised, patting Kyuhyun on the back before leaving.

Kyuhyun sighed as he stared after his best friend’s retreating back, and did what he’d done when he’d first felt that strange sensation in the pit of his stomach, the ache in his heart, that first day he’d shaken hands with Kim Ryeowook – he put the whole situation out of his head, and decided Sungmin was right. He’d apologize to Ryeowook when they met up for lunch tomorrow on campus, and things would go back to normal.

\--

By the next day, Kyuhyun had gotten over the initial shock, confusion, and embarrassment of Sungmin’s teasing the day before, and felt bad for his outburst and fight with Ryeowook. At lunch, he apologized, telling Ryeowook he’d just been acting protective of his best friend, acting like an idiot to his other best friend in the process.

Ryeowook smiled hesitantly and nodded his head, awkward at first at their table in their normal cafe, but that initial awkwardness faded after a few minutes of Kyuhyun and Sungmin bickering, and Ryeowook joined in, just like normal.

Sungmin sent a smile and a wink Kyuhyun’s way when Ryeowook wasn’t looking, and Kyuhyun not so subtly flipped him off, trying to ignore the way his heart beat sped up with the thought of what Sungmin had said the day before.

_“Kyuhyun, you’re in love!”_

With things normal again, and Kyuhyun frustrated with Sungmin’s never ending teasing, Kyuhyun decided pinning the older man against a wall between classes was nothing less than a good idea, so he did.

Lips against his ear, wrists held tight above the other man’s head, Kyuhyun nipped at the soft skin right beneath Sungmin’s ear, making Sungmin shiver.

“Really Min…the teasing’s got to end, or I’m going to start to think you’re just trying to get rid of me…” he whispering teasingly, rolling his hips suggestively against Sungmin’s. Sungmin moaned at the feel and pressed forward, turning his head in an attempt to catch Kyuhyun’s lips in a kiss.

Kyuhyun knew every button to push to turn Sungmin on, to tease him until he was at his wits end, and get what he wanted out of the older man, and today was no different.

He nipped at Sungmin’s lower lip so casually before pulling away, and it wasn’t until he heard a soft gasp behind him that he believed anything other than that he was going to make Sungmin do everything he wanted in just under five seconds flat.

But the gasp was too distinctive, and Kyuhyun whirled around just in time to see Ryeowook blush scarlet and stutter something about leaving the two of them alone before he ran off.

When Kyuhyun turned back to Sungmin, the look on his face was of pure horror, and Sungmin was only able to give a grimace in return.

\--

All through out their next class, the class they all three had together, Ryeowook sat in an awkward, embarrassed silence, not so subtly avoiding looking at either Kyuhyun or Sungmin, while Kyuhyun sat wanting to beat himself over the head for being an idiot.

He wasn’t sure whether his anger at himself was in reaction to the fear that he’d just made Ryeowook hate him for being gay, or the fear that Ryeowook would look at Sungmin and him and see the wrong thing – a relationship that wasn’t there.

It drove him nut’s that he couldn’t get Ryeowook’s attention, drove him nuts that every time Sungmin sent him a fleeting grimace his words ran through his head.

“In love…” he whispered softly under his breath, and gave a start when the professor called on him for an answer he didn’t have. He looked up at the man who was one of his favorite teachers and shook his head, an apologetic grimace on his face. The teacher stared at him, disappointed, before shaking and looking away, muttering something about paying more attention.

Kyuhyun really did try and pay closer attention after that, but then he caught the stolen, hurt glances Ryeowook was sending him, and realized Ryeowook wasn’t so stoically ignoring them.

After that, Kyuhyun tried to garner his attention, sending Ryeowook fleeting looks he hoped the slightly older man would understand, but Ryeowook didn’t dare look his way when Kyuhyun was watching him.

Sighing, Kyuhyun slumped in his chair and decided he and Ryeowook needed to talk after class ended.

\--

The door’s opened in front of him, and he saw Ryeowook as he scrambled out, pink in the face and trying to get as far away as possible before either Kyuhyun or Sungmin could catch up with him.

Sungmin reached out to grab Kyuhyun’s arm as he hastily threw his stuff in his bag, but Kyuhyun shrugged him off. “I have to go talk to him Min,” he said in a rush, moving down the aisle and out the door as fast as he could.

“I know…” Sungmin said softly behind him, hiding a smile behind a hand. Kyuhyun’d always told him he wasn’t ready to look for love, but it looked like love had found him anyway.

Sungmin only regretted the fact that Ryeowook wouldn’t hear those words for a very long time…

\--

“Ryeowook, wait! It’s not what it looked like!” Kyuhyun yelled when he was only a few strides behind the nearly sprinting Ryeowook. Ryeowook threw a glare over his shoulder, but kept walking swiftly.

“Oh yea, then what was it? All I saw was you and Sungmin kissing, and you didn’t look like you were planning on stopping there,” Ryeowook growled, throwing his bag down in a deserted hallway and stopping there.

“I – Ryeowook it – I know what it looked like – ” Kyuhyun stuttered until Ryeowook cut him off.

“How could you guys hide that from me? I thought I was your best friend, Kyu!”

“I – what?” Kyuhyun stopped short, dumbfounded and confused.

“Your relationship! What’d you think, I’d reject you guy’s for being gay!?” Ryeowook asked, pink in the face again, but this time from exertion. “It definitely explains why you were so angry the day before…” Ryeowook muttered. Before Kyuhyun could stop himself he was laughing, full out chuckles just like Sungmin’s the day before while Ryeowook stared on, confused and angry.

“We’re not…in a…relationship Wook…” Kyuhyun said in between chuckles, grinning as he stood up straight. Ryeowook continued to glare at him, arms crossed over his chest.

“Do you really expect me to believe that Kyuhyun?” Ryeowook asked huffily. Kyuhyun grinned again, prowling closer to where Ryeowook stood until he was just in front of him. With index finger and thumb, Kyuhyun took Ryeowook’s chin in hand, reminiscent of that day with Yesung, and pulled him close enough to where their breath’s mingled.

Ryeowook’s breathing was heavy, eyes drooping, and Kyuhyun smiled.

“Because the only male I’ve ever wanted a _relationship_ with is you…” Kyuhyun said softly, realizing, as the words left his lips, how true they were. “I can’t tell you anything will ever come out of this, I can’t tell you I’ll give you the world…but I’ll give you something I haven’t given anyone else…a chance.” When Ryeowook gaped and begin to blush, Kyuhyun pulled him in and kissed him. Hard. Just like his first kiss with another male.

And Ryeowook accepted the kiss the way Kyuhyun knew he would.

\--

Kim Ryeowook was the fourth and the last.

The only person to ever capture his heart, and the only male Kyuhyun’d ever wanted more than just a casual lay in, he was Kyuhyun’s best friend and lover, and Lee Sungmin became just his best friend.

After an hour of convincing Ryeowook that Sungmin wasn’t mad, that they didn’t love each other or want to get married and find a way to have pretty babies, Kyuhyun finally convinced Ryeowook that what he’d said was true.

Unlike every relationship prior, Kyuhyun’d finally found someone he was willing to give up everything for, whether he’d admit it out loud or not. He didn’t need a wife and pretty babies if he had Ryeowook.

It only took about a day for everything to catch up to Ryeowook, and when it did, he dragged Sungmin aside and marked his territory. Sungmin only laughed and patted Ryeowook on the head, promising that he wasn’t a home wrecker and that he wouldn’t sleep with Kyuhyun anymore as long as he was in a relationship.

And with a whisper in his ear, he told Ryeowook that just because Kyuhyun would take a long time to say “I love you,” the fact that he’d never gotten the “I can never love you” speech meant more then those three words combined ever would.

Ryeowook decided that was just fine with him.

( _“Ryeowook, he said it! He told me he loved you!”_ Sungmin exclaimed over the phone, voice excited as he relayed the only information he cared to give the younger male he’d grown even closer to over the years. Ryeowook laughed, the sound a high pitched, and likely embarrassed chuckle.

When Kyuhyun got home, Ryeowook was standing in the kitchen, spatula in hand. It’d been three years since Kyuhyun’d chosen Ryeowook for his fourth.

_“You love me, huh?”_ Ryeowook asked in a teasing voice, taking a step closer to the other male. Kyuhyun could only blush, eyes wide as he cursed Sungmin under his breath. He never did say those three words back, but that was okay. Ryeowook whispered them against Kyuhyun’s lips enough for both of them.)

\--

**Epilogue**

_Five years later_

They were at a bar for Ryeowook’s birthday, celebrating together, just the three of them. Sungmin was on stage with the karaoke microphone in his hand, singing his head off to a song neither of them ever wanted to hear Sungmin sing again.

But they were all at least a little bit drunk – Sungmin, the lightweight, the most – and they didn’t care so much. Today, they just wanted to have fun.

When Ryeowook was turned away, taking a deep drink of the dark liquid in his glass, Kyuhyun leaned close, a blush on his cheeks, and whispered softly in his ear “I love you…”

Ryeowook didn’t get a chance to respond, because Kyuhyun was out of his seat within the next moment, joining Sungmin on the stage for the next song. When Kyuhyun glanced in his direction, it was with a sly smile, though the soft blush coating his cheeks slightly ruined the effect it had on Ryeowook.

Ryeowook only smiled back at his best friend, his lover, and realized what else Kyuhyun had said to him.

( _“I’ve always known the only time I’d ever say I love you to a person…would be when I proposed. It would be my entire speech all wrapped up in one, because it would mean enough after years of being denied those three little words…At least, I would hope it would be enough.”_ Kyuhyun confessed one evening when he was bordering on being drunk, chuckling at his own words as he stared out the glass of his and Ryeowook’s veranda.

_“But I guess…since we can never get married, I’ll have to find another excuse to say what I feel for you…or maybe it’ll just be our little secret, and we can get rings and pretend I really did propose to you.”_ )

\--


End file.
